Written for World Suicide Prevention Day 2013 at Write Tribe.
I still remember having that conversation with my best friend in grade eleven. It was a time when I was going through something emotional in my life. You can say up until that phase of my life, I didn’t know what it means to be really hurt by someone’s actions or words.
This friend is someone who had been with me since grade five. She knows that I never take people, their comments and their actions seriously. A happy go lucky, always optimistic person I was, who made a whole lot of friends with just a smile and much silliness. But this particular person who broke my heart was more dear to me than my own parents were back then. So the hurt was deep.
I told my friend that I would like it if my life ended that day. It was my first real heartbreak and it had nothing to do with love or romance. She shouted at me that day. She made sure that I wasn’t left alone that day in school. She told me that whatever happened happened for a reason.
The lessons learnt were :
- Never trust anyone beyond a limit
- Never love anyone beyond a limit
- Never expect anything from anyone beyond a limit
- Never show your true feelings to anyone beyond a limit
This attitude is the best way to live. But it rarely works out that way. Even though we know better, we still give into the temptation of finding that perfect someone who will never hurt us in anyway. There is no one like that in this world. Everyone is going to hurt you at some point or the other. The idea is to learn to live with yourself even after that hurt.
Truth be told, I have felt like ending this life many times since then too. Every single time I have found something small, a small ray of hope that has kept me going. I have attempted to overdose on Panadol once. All it gave me was acidity!
I fear it when my kids try hard to accomplish something. They put in their 100% and I am filled with fear. What if they fail to accomplish the task? Won’t it hurt them? How can I bear that pain of theirs? I try and tell them to be prepared for the worst.
I don’t force them to do anything. I don’t let them overdo anything. I have wondered if that has made me a complacent mother, who doesn’t want her children to be very successful. But then I prefer having imperfect, healthy and some what successful children. It is better than having a confused, hurt and dejected child who tries to be perfect and ends up being miserable in life!
On this day, I want to get rid of this stigma attached to suicide. Everyone who has loved someone and got hurt has felt suicidal. Everyone who has had expectations crushed has felt suicidal. Everyone who has faced unsolvable situations has felt suicidal. It is a very common feeling. Keeping it all in and not sharing that feeling with someone can lead to depression.
It is important to have a support system around you to keep such feelings from taking shape into something drastic. If you feel someone is in a bad state, try to help out. It can bring in the small ray of hope. An opportunity to think properly about the consequences of harsh decisions like suicide.
Let’s hope that we learn to be that ray of hope in someone’s life. All it takes is a smile, a bit of warmth and few calming cliched words. If it can bring someone back to life, it is nothing short of a miracle.
Please spread the word and the awareness.