Authentic

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True to the name that I have been given and true to the morals that have been instilled in me, I try to shine as bright and as happy as can be.

Jyothi means light. I was named after the famous Makara Jyothi. My maternal grandmother is the one who gifted me this name. She added her name along with it too. Jyothi Lakshmi. Lakshmi is the Hindu God of Wealth, Fortune and Prosperity.

What more can you gift your youngest grandchild? The reason a person is given a name is still a mystery to me. My kids were not named by me. But both their names have a meaning and a reason behind them. The love and the blessings of the person who chose that name for you will forever remain in your heart. The first identity you get in your life is by your name. Later your actions and of course your fate decides what you are identified by. Will the authenticity of your name be able to survive your life?

I make it a point to be pleasant with everyone. Even with those who have caused me pain. I may not be bringing happiness to anyone’s life, but at least I try not to bring sadness.  Some may even deserve the sadness. But that’s not for me to decide.

Authentic? Am I authentic? I am not sure. I try to be. I strive to be. But as fate has it, I might end up being just one among the many faceless, nameless identities that roam around without any spiritual aim.

If I am not, I intend to change it.

Written for the Daily Post Prompt : Authentic 

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This Post is Blank…

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When I need to talk, I blog. It is as simple as that…

But right now I am staring at a blank screen and wondering how I used to do this before. I have churned out posts every single day for daily challenges. I have completed months of daily writing challenges. I have said so much and I have read so much. I have gained an impressive amount of knowledge from blogging spheres.

When I first started blogging, my kids weren’t even teenagers. They were growing up way too fast and life was way too complicated. I was working and then I wasn’t. Then I was working again and then I wasn’t. Then I was working again and then I wasn’t. Somewhere between those confused decisions, fateful friendships, colourful colleagues, blogging adventures and the Indian Education System, my kids grew up.

I am expereincing the  Empty Nest Syndrome right now. Ideally speaking, I should be getting back to work. I should be getting back in to the crazy world of work politics and tensed relationships. Though, I don’t think I am emotionally stable enough to go through that again. It might seem weird to some, but to me I take such commitments pretty seriously. I give it my 110%. Ultimately leading to disappointments and fatique. My body has a way of responding to emotional stress. It begins to shut down. There are actual studies that show that emotional stress and fatique can lead to physical pain. None of these show up on test results, leaving you even more frustrated with life!

So what does one do to become immune to life. Does one have to sell their soul to the devil to survive this world? Well , that’s a topic for another day I guess. Right now I am stressing out on a series of stupid issues. Somehow typing it out for the world to read leaves an incredible sense of satisfaction. I am not sure a Diary would serve the same purpose. A diary cannot respond. A diary cannot send you good vibes and hugs. It is passive, I am done with passive relationships with anything and anyone.

A sense of calm is prevailing in me now. I am not tensed as I should be. I read a lot, I watch a lot of Tv, I listen to different kinds of music and I love the company of my better half. With the kids gone, it is just the two of us. Boring as hell. Yet , somehow, fulfilling. In between this calm and this euphoria, I have learnt to stay away from Whatsapp groups. It’s a wormhole waiting to take you to another world. A world where misunderstandings and misinterpretations happen beyond our wildest dreams. It’s crazy how sensitive and insecure people are in this world. There is a group of Engineers, out of whom, I think I am the only one who hasn’t had a solid career to speak of. Shouldn’t I be the ones with the most insecurities?

Apparantly, a lot of people who seem well settled with their choices and lives aren’t really so. A discussion can lead to bullying in no time. This can easily be followed by trolling. That’s the pettiness of such insecurities. They just need a victim to have fun with. I have always been an easy prey. I am not too smart when it comes to identifying such traps. I trust too easy. At least I was like that. I have imporved a lot over the years. But it has come to a state that has left me not trusting anyone at all. So I rarely let go of diplomacy when dealing with a group. But still you get roped into something once in a while. Now that I have the time to respond, it is a dangerous game to play. But this time I didn’t give in that easily. At least I don’t think so.

Tell me something, if someone becomes over the top successful in his/her career, can we say that only hardwork got him/her to the position he/she is in now? Is it wrong in saying that the break that someone got is a great one and that he/she is lucky to have got it? Does it negate the hardwork factor in anyway? Obviously they have worked hard, else such a break wouldn’t have come to them in the first place! But not every hardworking individual is blessed with such breaks in life. At least not the ones that lead to over the top success in career. There is a luck factor in everything in life.

Anyways, speaking of insecurities, it seems I do have some of my own too. Actually , I have always had them. I have this feeling that I am never going to be able to be healthy again. So like every  New Year before this, this year too, I have a resolution to get back into shape. A nice round but healthy shape.

Who knows, 2018 maybe the year that makes it happen. I am giving myself yet another chance. Let’s hope I don’t let myself down again.

Cheers Bloggers! Happy New Year.

Happy New Year 2018

Happy New Year 2018

All in a day’s work

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“So this is it! I have to let go!”

I am pretty sure everyone would have experienced this feeling at some point in life. Many may not have said it out loud or even to themselves. But the feeling is very common. The realization that there is nothing more you can do…

At times, this is the most painful feeling. Especially when the realization hits us on the face so abruptly that we get no time to let the feeling sink in slowly. A state of shock or sadness follows this. These are the kind of problems that have no options left to compromise with.

At other times, it has been long time coming and we took our time to let it sink in. At these times, this feeling is a sense of relief. It is not all about perspective, I guess. It is more about how time heals every wound. “Ripping off the tape with one pull” theory rarely works well with emotions. These need to be sorted out. Every aspect of it dissected and examined until it gets accepted and cleared.

Over thinking a problem is the cause of most cases of depression. But not thinking about a problem doesn’t make it go away either. They just go back into hibernation only to come back again  and hit us on the face so hard that we lose our senses. And there is no escape!

I am at one such crossroad now. The biggest irony of my situation now is that I do not know which category this belongs to. Was it abrupt or was it long time coming?  I hope to find out soon. Both recovery will be equally painful though. The emotions are so strong that they need to be sorted out slowly. But the emotions are so strong that there is fear of a relapse during the process. Tough times these are.

Which brings me back into blogging after ages. I have lots to say. I have lots to share. Not sure where to begin. Let’s just say that I am going through the Empty Nest Syndrome. And, as I have sadly discovered myself, one of the main side effects of this syndrome is too much time to overthink. The past has been running a marathon in my mind for the last  two months since the syndrome began. That’s more than four decades of my roller coaster of a life. Imagine the clutter and the chaos. Declutter and orgainze. That’s the plan. I am doing it the only way I know. One blog post at a time…

It has been a while…

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My blog tells me that it has been 5 months since I wrote something here. I guess it is time to start writing again. If only planning to write , wanting to write and writing were all easy to do as they used to be.

Collecting thoughts and putting them down on paper (ahem) isn’t easy anymore. There is so much to say, so much I should not say and so much more that should have been said a long time ago. 

But one has to restart somewhere. Let it be now and let it be here. At the moment that I am still sad that my first born is not at home anymore , yet happy and proud of the man he has turned out to be. He has flown the coop . He is happy at a college in the US. This moment is precious to me. I just realized he misses home. I also just realized how selfish I am!

Let the feeling sink in, I keep telling myself. It hasn’t yet. He is still a child. He still behaves the same. He still is the same. I know it is wishful thinking to hope that he will always remains the same.

I started blogging when my kids were small and blogged through their teenage. In this new phase as a college mom, I am not sure what to blog about anymore. Until I figure out what to write about, I am leaving you with something that’s close to my heart these days :

Missing someone is bad enough, but being missed feels even worse…

Value Education

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The day started off on a slow note today. I have answer papers to correct from yesterday’s Unit Test. It is a subject that I teach besides my main subject. I also teach Value Education to a bunch of Sixth graders.

This particular subject is the most hated by teachers in the school. The amount of work that goes into making worksheets and test papers for this is not much. But then again, it is a bit too much when you are already loaded with so much work. Sometimes work other than the teaching part of the job.

Like in any job, in teaching too, it is the documentation or what we call as “Evidence” that matters. There is written or photographic proof of everything we do in class and for a class. This is so as to avoid issues later on in the session, when a particular task is questioned and explanations asked. Basically it is about being accountable.

Now in an office environment, this is an easy task. Every communication is documented. But how does one do that when you are imparting education in a class. Yes, of course there is the lesson plan to follow. There are worksheets set. There are textbooks and there are notebooks to mark the progress of a class. But is that really enough?

When a teacher is assessed, I have often wondered, what is it that they look for? Do they want someone who knows a lot about the subject? Or do they want someone who knows enough about the subject so as to be able to explain it well to middle school children?

Is it about the worksheets and notes? Is it about interactive classes or is it about being nice to the students to win their confidence? Or is it about being strict with them to make them regular in their work?

In my opinion, it is all about the balance. Just like we do with our own kids, the students in school need to be treated with respect and love. No harshness doesn’t mean being lenient. It just means that work can be done by being strict, but not by being mean.

During my previous stint as a teacher, I was so busy with the documentation work that I rarely got time to spend time chatting with the students. Even when I was a class teacher, the workload was so much that I used to barely get time to get the attendance done and circulars or cash collection done during the class teacher’s period. During my teaching periods, I had to complete the syllabus. So it was basically a rat race back then. I would come home to two young children who needed my undivided attention and the struggle would continue.

Now that my kids are bigger, I am not as tensed as before. I can plan and do my work on time. The result is that I can make time to converse with the students that I teach Value Education to. At least once a week, I spend time with them, I observe them and I learn from them.

My values are being added to with lesson I teach them. I wonder why then is this subject so hated by all…

A Free Write

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I haven’t the faintest idea why I have embarked on this mission today. I am not able to blog these days. It is driving me crazy. I get email updates when my friends blog and it irritates me because I am not able to do so myself. Then I hear that November is the month to get back to writing. To that , add the magic words “500 words”. I am a fan of such short post challenges that don’t expect much from you other than just writing 500 words a day. How difficult can that be?

I speak a lot to people these days. My talks with myself thus reducing with each passing day. That is what this blog is all about. Me speaking to myself. Yes, I am self obsessed that way!

When I read about My500Words at Write Tribe , I knew that this was it. I need something like this to blog again. So here I am, doing a free write. Just letting the world know that I pledge to write for 31 days.

I am guessing the prompts are going to come into my email everyday. Thus, pushing me to write for the day. I hope so. I really need that reminder to go on.

Facebook is a long lost dream now. So no joining groups for a while. Maybe when I sit up and write continuously for a few days and get into the habit of it, I shall consider using facebook groups again.

Yes, I am thinking out loud. This is a free write remember!  Being a teacher, my mind is always busy planning something or the other. So why not plan my blogging too. Writing 500 words a day can’t be difficult at all. Considering there is so much happening these days for me to share.

My job keeps me engaged, my kids keep me on my toes and my writing keeps me sane. Yesterday , I wrote the first few scenes of a screenplay for a movie making competition. I needed to give a sample of a script to the students to work on. They need to work on different story lines based on the few scenes I have written. That is when it struck me. I miss writing. I miss it a lot. My English might not be perfect, my technique might not be right. But I love to write. That is a good sign isn’t it?

There is a story that I started on this blog a few weeks ago. I haven’t been able to give it a part two so far. Maybe I will continue with that. Maybe I will write one  short story a day. Maybe I will just ramble through the 500 words everyday. That is the beauty of this. There is no theme, no restrictions. I just need to write 500 words about anything.

There is so much joy in writing, only now do I realize how important blogging is to me. I will try and be regular. My word count is at 510 now. And here I stop for the day…